On Philosophical Discourse (Page 3)

Scene 9: A Message Received

 

The Good Emperor is sitting down at his desk playing a melodica.

Good Emperor: Well, I can see how Zoltan could become annoyed with this…

Johnny time jumps in.

Good Emperor: You’re late.

Johnny: Unfortunately time travel takes time. But you did not summon me, I came of my own accord. And I bring with me news of stirrings within the empire.

Good Emperor: Stirrings? Is that fellow Vladimir with his 10 000 legionnaires attempting to overthrow me again?

Johnny: After a fashion. Although this time his is not using such a subtle method. He is using the power of philosophy to overthrow you. Once he has the meaning of cheese, when combined with the Infinite Power Source he will be unstoppable. At the moment there are three factions vying to find the meaning of cheese. There is only one possible course of action – form another faction and destroy them all.

Good Emperor Time Jumps Out and then time jumps back in again.

Good Emperor: After deliberating for many centuries in the future I have come to seventeen solutions to this problem. After discounting all those that involve organizing yet another Whipstock concert and playing in a barber’s shop whipsnake quarter there is only one solution. That is to form a fourth faction. Come we will find the meaning of cheese.

The Good Emperor and Johnny Time Jump Out.

 

Scene 10: The Hunt Begins

 

Gogo and Patchang are standing about walking around and all those other things associated with looking for cheese and its meaning.

Gogo: Patchang! Look! A clue!

Patchang: Please, there is no need for so many exclamation marks in one sentence. What are we, Spanish?

Estaban Rodriguez IV time jumps in.

Estaban Rodriguez IV: I am! ¡Ole!

Estaban Rodriguez IV time jumps out.

Patchang: I see it. Cheesefish tracks. There must be a cheesefish cook off near by. It may be over there near that clambake. (If possible insert footage from movie Clambake).

Gogo: My mother had the best Cheesefish cooking method. First she would fillet the Cheesefish and place it inside the microwave. Then she would put the microwave within a pot bellied stove and put the pot bellied stove on a spit, and roast it on an open fire.

Patchang: So she was certainly one to adhere to the traditional methods of cheesefish cooking then. The tradition in my family was somewhat different. Firstly the cheesefish was placed alive within a nuclear reactor, and left for one week. Once it had captured an adequate number of neutrons it was placed within a bag of wet cement and hurled off a tall building. For three days it was then placed on an altar and various snakes, whips and small children were sacrificed to it. Finally it was shot simultaneously with 40 machine guns and beaten with a baseball bat. That was some fine cheesefish I tell you.

Mr Wedge Time Jumps in.

Mr Wedge: Don’t even think about pursuing those cheesefish tracks. The rest of my posse are already enjoying flame grilled cheesefish and getting ever closer to the meaning of cheese.

Gogo: What are you going to do to stop us?

Gogo, Patchang and Mr Wedge fight for some time.

 

Scene 11: The Filibuster

 

Ulysses S Grant: It has come to my attention that the entire walls of this room, and indeed the walls of every building and everything in the world is covered with this text. I analysed my DNA – not knowing what DNA was of course as it is not to be discovered for a century or so – and saw this text was on it too. So I began to read. It started: “We the people of Argentina…”

Zoltan walks in holding a gun.

Zoltan: Sorry this had to happen, but you know what Raymond Chandler says.

Raymond Chandler: Whenever I can’t think of something to do, I have a man with a gun walk into the room.

Zoltan shoots Raymond.

Zoltan: See how interesting it makes things?

Gogo and Patchang time jump in. The four of them stand in a square.

Gogo: So we curl once more!

Zoltan: Indeed. Like the moose unto the plain.

Ulysses S Grant: You have interrupted my filibuster! The motion to grant all cheesefish voting rights has passed! There is only one thing to do now: Fillatte on the flip side with a Niphelmation.

Grant sips imaginary tea and eats a muffin.

Johnny Time Jumps in.

Johnny: Oh no a pillar of sanity has formed! I must muster four philosophers whose pillar of insanity will cancel the pillar of sanity out, thus saving the universe from dangerous levels of sanity!

Johnny picks up his mobile and dials 00111911.

Operator: Welcome to emergency 911. For police, press 1. For fire, press 2. For an ambulance press 3. For emergency philosophers – or as we are in the US sorcerers, press 4.

Johnny presses 4.

Operator: You have selected 4, emergency philosophers. Four philosophers are on their way.

Johnny: But I haven’t told you where I am.

Operator: By analysing the meaning of various zucchinis when analysed from different frames of reference, the philosophers can work out where you are.

Johnny: Right you are then. Tarry forth.

 

Scene 12: Reporting Back

 

Count Vladimir is hunched over a board game.

Count Vladimir: Hmm, a minute to learn, a lifetime to master.

He gets a small hour glass out and flips it over.

Caption on black screen: One Minute Later than One minute ago

Count Vladimir: Well I have learnt it now. A lifetime to master eh? I am going to need my large hourglass for this one.

Estaban Rodriguez III and Snayke Mann time jump in.

Count Vladimir: What have you to report? Have you taken care of that assassin and his avian accomplice?

Snayke Mann: After a fashion.

Count Vladimir: And what fashion would that be? And where is Mr Wedge?

Estaban Rodriguez III: After that fashion of not destroying the assassin. Mr Wedge was sidetracked at a Cheesefish cook off. Although I think he may well have discovered the meaning of cheese.

Mr Wedge time jumps in.

Mr Wedge: Indeed I have. I discovered the meaning of cheese tacked underneath a Bavarian moose. And I tell you, this meaning of cheese is about 12 inches. In fact it is 93.2% better than the meaning of walrus – which in turn was 345% better than the meaning of walnuts.

Count Vladimir: Which means?

Mr Wedge: That is it quite clear that Spanish antelope fly south for the autumn.

Count Vladimir: Yes I already knew that, after all I have 7 doctorates in the migratory habits of Spanish native fauna – especially the antelope and sea cucumber.

Zoltan Time Jumps in and kills Mr Wedge.

Zoltan: Now he will never tell you the meaning of cheese! For ever you will search for it because I made sure that I exterminated all the Bavarian mooses in the world! Especially those roaming on Franciscan Fields – often called the home of the Bavarian moose – despite the fact it is on another planet entirely than Bavaria.

Count Vladimir: That is unfortunate. Quickly kill him!

Zoltan, Estaban Rodriguez III and Snayke Mann fight. Zoltan time jumps out.